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From the "allthewords"
page of

This image is available in king size.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.

- Winston Churchill

What does your
phone number spell?

"Wooden Rifle"
is the name of a
Lone Ranger
episode that
originally aired on
September 13, 1956.

Was the press involved in the death of the President's mother?

If you don't mind my suggesting something here, why don't you send the address of this page to a friend. Just a suggestion. Or you could flush your cache if you feel strongly in the other direction.

- a pitch

OK, OK, I got this great idea.
It capitalizes on the retro 60s craze.
And the whole “respect for the military” thing
that grabs hold of people whenever we have one of these

“The Buns of Navarone”
Like it? Like it?
Wait ‘til you hear about it.
OK, like six people – three men, three women.
They’re being briefed.
This is the intro.
They’ve got to take out this big Nazi gun-emplacement.
And every member of the cast looks sort-of like someone else.
One guy looks sort-of like Stalone
and there’s a Sharon Stone
and DeCaprio
and the Queen of England, whatever her name is.
You know, not so close that we can be sued.
You know, parody, satire, whatever.
Whatever gets us off.
Whatever gets you off.
You know what I mean.

And they land on the beach
a submarine or something lands on the beach
and this is Europe, OK
and there are lots of really good looking sunbathers
and our troops land
and come ashore and like stand with their legs wide apart
and arms folded, you know
and the bathers are there, just looking at them
and it's tense
and the troops look real serious and stern
and the sunbathers look kinda cute and vulnerable
even the guys
and the music is building all the time
and you know the cutting is faster and stuff
and suddenly
everybody suddenly jumps into the air
everybody, the troops, the sunbathers
and suddenly
everybody is exercising

both groups have broken into
just like the old musicals
only exercise
and the music suddenly has a big beat
monster beat
we’ll get something that’s already made
but like from an unknown artist
and we’ll get the tunes for cheap
but with a real big driving danceable, exercisable beat
and they exercise for a while
something fairly simple
so just about everybody at home could do it
and the troops
are exercising
and they start exercising with their guns
like a drill team
with these big assault rifles
OK can you see it?
our six crack star troops
exercising with assault rifles
and the sunbathers, they gather 'round
and they want assault rifles too
so they can exercise with assault rifles
and our six star crack troops just happen to have
a bag full of rifles
. . . and . . .

you’re gonna love this
suddenly there’s an 800 number
like 1-800-NAVARONE
and shouted over the big dance beat
an announcer like says that
The Navarone Exercise Rifle
is available for just $29
and later on we offer two for $39
but not 'til later
and everybody exercises with the rifles
somehow the rifles help them exercise
and we can play up how
exercise rifles require no background check
and even ex-cons can buy them
and its only twenty-nine-lousy-bucks
it's practically free
and the beach people join the crack troops
as they go off to assault the big gun thing
and they come across really good looking villagers
and they all exercise too
and they want guns
and it’s a big mob
a big twitching marching exercise army
led by six crack star troops
crossing a bridge
at dusk
and the music fades
and there’s all these owl, cricket, frog sounds
and everything’s dark and mysterious
and everything’s dangerous
and mysterious
and suddenly

there are the Nazis
with their rifles
standing on top of a hill
and our guys see them
and our guys line up on one side
and the Nazis are already lined up
and two champions are picked
and they get out on the field
and there’s really dramatic lighting
and tense music
big build here
and they raise the rifles
and our guy swings the rifle over his head
in like slow motion
well maybe our guy is a girl
or maybe the Nazi is a girl
it doesn’t make any difference
maybe the champions are both girls
I don’t care
so they swing the rifles at each other
kinda like battle axes
and they say “Haa” and “Yaa” and “Gaa”
well maybe not “Gaa”
but you know that martial arts sort of shouting
and just as you notice
that what they’re doing
is an exercise routine
the 800 number comes up again
and here’s where we offer two rifles for $39.00
and they do this sort of Japanese-Jedi stick fighting
only way exercise-like

and we run this as an infomercial
in the middle of the night
selling wooden exercise rifles

and I came to you first
because I so respect your work.

[Bracket Bracket] is produced by Paul Smedberg, who is slowly responsible for its content. Other heart-stopping, vitamin enriched issues may be found in the [bracket bracket] archive.

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Copyright 1999 Paul Smedberg